How should we act on our sexual fantasies?

Sexual fantasies are defined by any mental imagery that is sexually arousing or erotic to the individual. Some common fantasies include threesomes, partner swapping, BDSM, and same-gender sex.

A fantasy is first and foremost a ‘thought,’ which means it doesn’t have to become an actual thing you do in real life, and most of my clients don’t actually want their fantasies to translate into a real experience, they just want to enjoy them in the comfort of their own erotic imagination and/or maybe share them with a partner.

If you don’t have fantasies that’s totally ok too. It might be that you have some you don’t even know about lurking in the depths of your mind that need enticing, exploring and encouraging to come to the fore. They also may be vanilla and that’s also ok. They are personal to you.

Should we be concerned about our sexual fantasies?

Fantasies are not an inclination of what someone would like to happen in reality, therefore the scope for the content of fantasies can be extreme and involve taboos, illegal and inappropriate situations, and people, e.g. incest, animals, and rape. These fantasies are very common and nothing to worry about.

A great place to privately immerse yourself in your fantasies is thinking about them during solo masturbation whilst you touch yourself. It may be a feeling you get or maybe a visual representation of your fantasy there is no wrong way to do it, only a right way for you. You never need to share them with anyone, unless you want to.

Feeling abnormal or weird, guilt and shame around sex is one of the biggest passion killers, and causes of anxiety so it’s essential we normalise talking about sex openly, in a curious way without judgment.

If you’re in a relationship, one way to do this is to check in with your partner and ask them if you can be open about your fantasies without risk of judgment or rejection, and if they agree, then start the conversation.

There is no normal and no right or wrong. As long as the sex we have outside of our heads is with consenting adults, then fantasies are limitless. With this in mind, some people choose to explore their fantasies in some capacity in their real-life through role play.

My experience of fantasies

During my 10 years as an escort offering The Girlfriend Experience, I was often used as a sexual muse I guess, for men, women, and couples to bring some of their fantasies to life. I was the femme fatal that was booked to seduce raunchy couples for a threesome, one in a harem of 4 women booked to pleasure a man, and the naughty schoolgirl with a domineering headmaster to name a few fantasies that were played out. It’s these experiences and many more that inspired my books; The Great British Sexpert’s 101 Sex Tips book, and The Girlfriend Experience.

My work as a therapist now involves couples coming to me wanting to spice up their sex lives and we often explore fantasies and kinks as part of that. If bringing up the subject seems daunting then maybe a book on tips and kinks might be a less direct way to broach the subject, because you can refer to the ideas and explore them without them being personal.

If you’re looking to be inspired then FrolicMe is the perfect place to stimulate your mind, and your genitals, and to explore what turns you on. Sex-positive Podcasts (like Sexpots) and audio porn are also worth checking out. For those wanting to create a sex bucket list and/or explore kinks and fantasies, I created for my clients ‘The Great British Sexpert’s Diary of Desires’ – a notebook for jotting ideas down. You could make your own and keep it by the bed. If you watch an erotic video or something on Frolicme that turns you on you can pen it down and discuss it and/or play with the idea when you’re ready.

Those taboo sexual fantasies

One of the many taboo fantasies is consensual non-consensual sex. It can cause people to feel a great deal of shame and guilt due to the fact that rape is a very real and traumatising experience for many. Having this fantasy does not mean you wish to be raped or rape another person nor does it mean you condone rape.

This, of course, is an extreme fantasy, however, it is very common. Your fantasy may be as simple as seducing a man/woman and taking the lead (perhaps that’s something that you’re shy to do in real life, so for you a pretty big deal).

If you don’t have any fantasies and want to try and tease them out or create some here are some tips.

1. Think back to your best sex-related memories. What about them seemed appealing to you?

2. Explore your feelings around some common fantasies; BDSM, same-gender sex, threesome sex, uniforms, taboo/forbidden sex

3. Do you have any images that spring to mind when you think about sex?

4. Note what day-to-day visuals (situations, objects, or people) make you think of sex, and what it is about the situation or person.

5. With fantasy not only can you create visual representations of people in your fantasy, but you can also do the same for yourself.

6. Are there any sexy parts in mainstream films that turn you on? What is it about them?

7. Explore erotic literature, Frolicme and ethical porn and notice what content/people get you aroused.

8. If you want to know if you have any undiscovered kinks to bring into your fantasies check out https://bdsmtest.org/

9. When you have an idea of what turns you on you might want to add some of your narrative/visuals to a masturbation session to explore them further.

10. When you find the things (or things) that enhance masturbation you’ve started discovering your fantasies!

The most important thing of all is that if you have fantasies, you own them, without shame.

About the author

Rebecca Dakin

Rebecca Dakin is an Author, TV Expert, celebrity Hypnotherapist & Coach. She specialises in sex, relationships, emotional wellbeing & inner child therapy and has featured on many TV shows as a sex and relationship expert.

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